June 1, 2009 (On the plane from Newark to Houston)
As I sit here on this plane I am overwhelmed with emotions. The kind of emotion that you know will sink you to such heaviness that you’ve never felt before; the kind that doesn’t come that often because of its weight. I know that I am worthy of this extraordinary experience; I am prepared to feel, to feel pure rawness. I hope to take advantage of the people there. I hope to build an undeniable connection. I know that I’ve been feeling a lot over the past six months, but I am ready now to feel again and build on this season. This is my season and I’d like to share that. I want to pour my heart, create moments and not leave any word left unsaid. It’s all or nothing.
June 4, 2009 (On the bus in route to Estelí)
Maybe I’ll never truly know how different my life would be if I would have stayed in Colombia. What if my mother decided to stay with my father? forgiven his vices?, settled in his level of poverty? What kind of 21 year old would I be at the moment? Would I still be a driven, ambitious young woman that I am today? Would I have had the endless possibilities that I do as a US resident?
I can’t help but see myself in some of these beautiful brown faces. As much as I often wish I could look into my future, I can’t help but wonder what my past would have looked like.
June 4 (Reflection)
I am blown away by the enormous thirst that these women have at being one with the people of Nicaragua. Of course we all have our own personal agenda as to why we are here but our purpose is one. With society usually pulling people in different, selfish directions, I find it extraordinary that these 12 women are here for a unified goal…solidarity. How often is this going to happen in my life, I wonder.
June 6, 2009
It is extremely frustrating to think that no matter how far they work, study, it does not guarantee or satisfy their extraordinary potential. And yet they have no complaints…. I do.
June 10, 2009 (Returning to Houston, at the terminal)
I guess she was right. We were all back to our respective agendas, phone calls, connection to our outside world. Two of the girls are gone, on their way back too. And me anxiously awaiting a text message from someone who probably will never understand what I’ve been through. I wonder how I’ll express this. I wonder in what other ways I’ll continue my life in my comforting reality.
I hear the news over the television, yet again another tragedy. Yes, yes, it is but what about the other tragedies that none of these people in the terminal have ever cared to be enlightened about; oblivious too within their reality.
I again look in the mirror, fix my makeup, and reapply my lipstick. I am surrounded by unnecessary extravagances, luxuries…all they need is love. So many conviences with no true gain but to save time and energy.
How will I use my privileges now?